By: Kashif Soomro
While millennials and Gen Zers wax eloquent about the politics of the body, an entire generation is silently alienated from the mainstream discourse around physical intimacy. Psychologist Kashif shares the many misconceptions, dos, and dont around older people having sex.
Psychologist Kashif, whose life’s mission is to ensure that older people have good sex, has lived by a single dictum: The stories that we tell define our identity.
“We tell many stories about the good woman,” Kashif tells Reporter. “The moment you have a woman who stands up for herself, we judge her; she’s a fishwife and an annoyance. The stories we tell and the stories that we silence often say a lot about who we are.”
For Psychologist Kashif, reading the Kama Sutra, an exhaustive ancient treatise on sex, pleasure and relationships, was accidental almost 5 years ago. It nettled Kashif to note that white men often wrote the novels he studied as part of his English honors course at the University of Sindh. There were no Pakistani stories in the syllabus, let alone stories written by and for Pakistani women. David Lawrence’s Lady Chatterley’s Lover (published 1928) was stodgy at best, lacking depth and a holistic understanding of a woman’s body. These stories were “predictable, only listed scandalous love affairs and approached sex coarsely.”
This led Kashif to the Kama Sutra, and the deeper he delved into its world, the more he noticed how Pakistani steered clear of stories that spoke of a woman’s right to her body. “The book is written for men: how many hours they should spend getting massaged or how they should decorate their bedroom. But it’s only the second section where the author addresses both men and women.”
5 years later, Anand has made path-breaking efforts towards demystifying the Kama Sutra and breaking the tired stereotypes around the physical intimacy it promotes. Before his Instagram posts—designed to make sex more accessible—went viral, Two years later, the hate comments continued to be an endless barrage, often directed at his age. “Even now, I get death threats. People always tell me I should think about my death instead of discussing sex.”
In a helpful guide on how sex changes—and not for the worse—with age, Psychologist Kashif talks about how older people can have good sex and the many misconceptions that bog them down:
Don’t celebrate the end of sex
“The idea that old age heralds the end of sex is antithetical to pleasure. I’ve heard women say that they couldn’t be happier knowing their sex life is over after they hit a certain age. This defeatist attitude doesn’t do any good and deprives you of even attempting to continue living a life where pleasure assumes center stage. To give you a crude analogy—sex, like chocolate, should be enjoyable at all stages of your life. Recently, a 64-year-old man told me that his partner had lost all interest in sex because it had become predictable for her. You have to keep putting in the effort to make sex interesting.”
- Intimacy in older people makes them healthy.
“This is not hogwash. It has been scientifically validated that having regular sex as you age adds to your health, keeping you happy and agile. Lee Smith, a reader in epidemiology at Anglia Ruskin University in the UK, concluded in his wide-ranging study that sexual activity of any sort is important for older adults because of its ability to produce endorphins and foster feelings of emotional closeness. He further added that “there is no harm in encouraging adults of all ages to prioritize their sexuality as part of their overall health,” especially since sexual well-being links back to better mental health and a lower probability of chronic diseases.”
- Stop stigmatizing older people’s naked bodies.
“Modern pop culture worships young, lithe figures, excluding older bodies from the narrative. Visuals of sagging breasts and back flesh are too much for younger people, who forget that we’re all supposed to grow old unless we invent a magic technology that miraculously reverses aging. Even the thought of older people having sex makes people shudder. This ageism is captured poignantly in Badhaai Ho (2018), where Neena Gupta’s character is ridiculed when she gets pregnant at 52. Isn’t it ironic that our body image and self-esteem issues seem endless? Young people have them because parents often shame them into losing weight; my mother certainly did. This cycle of shame needs to be broken somewhere. Which is why campaigns for body positivity must include older people too.”
- Don’t view sex as a chore.
“There was this common myth in my generation that only “fast girls” can enjoy sex. A fast girl was someone who was promiscuous and “had sex with anyone.” You need to remove the mental block that you’re not meant for sex. Don’t see sex as just another chore—this advice applies to people across ages. Make it an elaborate performance, get some perfume and spend time massaging it into different body parts. Be physically active. Not a little walk, but get proper exercise. Go to the gym. That will increase both your metabolism and libido. Exercise will make you feel sexy.”
- Invest in your personality.
“Don’t allow yourself to surrender to some outdated idea of how older people must have sex or present themselves. The only amount of self-help guides or TED talks will help if you feel good from the inside out. It has to come from within you. Enjoy dressing up. Style your hair and your clothes. You could look like a million dollars, but if you’re feeling miserable inside, you won’t have a great time in bed. The same goes for people who get older. The Kama Sutra talks about enriching your personality with causeth kala or the 64 skills: singing, dancing, understanding of botany, crossword puzzles and more. The more diverse your personality is, the sexier you feel because you become attractive to yourself.”
The writer is first Sexual Health Promoter and Psychologist. He can be reached at [email protected]